My husband’s ex-wife has a restraining order against him from a 10-year-old incident. I am not trying to excuse his behavior back then, but he is a recovering alcoholic who was actively drinking and making bad choices, which included threatening to kill his then wife. The divorce judge gave her a permanent restraining order.
He has been sober for nine years and is a great father to his 11-year-old son, Tim, whom he shares custody of. Because of the restraining order, I have taken over all parenting exchanges.
Tim loves soccer, as does my husband. Last fall, my husband started coaching Tim’s team. Then his ex-wife showed up for the games. I think she should be permitted to watch Tim play soccer. But she is difficult and regularly called the police, claiming my husband was violating the restraining order by being at the same soccer field.
This was embarrassing for Tim and seems like pointless harassment. I tried to talk to her about a solution, but she is bitter and does not accept any blame for making the situation worse. Instead, she blames us for Tim being angry with her.
Tim is anxious about soccer starting again. He wants his dad to coach but he worries about his mom calling the police. Can we do anything?
This sounds like a material change in circumstances to me. While the standard for undoing a permanent restraining order is not the same as the standard for changing a parenting plan, since the divorce judge issued the restraining order, there will be some sympathy here.
File a complaint for modification. The change in circumstances is your husband’s nine years of sobriety, his acting as Tim’s soccer coach and Tim’s mom regularly showing up to soccer games and calling the police.
He should ask to have parenting time for every soccer game or, in the alternative, a modification to the restraining order to a mere do not abuse order as opposed to what sounds like a permanent stay away order.
Assuming there have been no violations of the order other than the calls to the police from the soccer field for his mere presence, the judge will likely give her the option. If she wants to see her son play soccer, she will do the right thing and agree to modify the scope of the restraining order.
It sounds as though she hasn’t moved on and resents the fact that, not only has her ex moved on, but is doing well and has become an involved father. As Tim gets older, if his mom continues to behave in ways that make navigating social situations hard for him, he will begin to vote with his feet and refuse to go to her house. If so, be prepared — you think she is bitter now, just wait.