Q. When my mother died four years ago, my father received her $1 million life insurance which my parents had always said was for the college education of their four grandchildren.  My dad is comfortable living in a mortgage free home with a pension and social security.  Over the last year he has been suffering from heart problems and dementia.  My sister and I hired a home health aid for him in January because neither of us lives close enough to check on and help him daily.

She moved in with him during the pandemic and even after the reopening has continued to live there.  Now my dad says they are planning to get married in August.  I don’t know much about her, but she is forty years younger than him and he has known her for less than six months.  We are really concerned that she is trying to take advantage of him.  He doesn’t see it.

Is there anything we can do to stop this?  Can we protect the college education funds for the grandkids?

1. There are a few options, none of which will make your father happy if he thinks he has found true love.  First, if this woman truly has no ill intentions and really just loves your father, she should be willing to sign a pre-nuptial agreement which, at the very least, protects the money that was earmarked for the grandchildren’s college educations.  It may be fair for the woman to vest in some portion of his home or pension after a certain number of years of marriage. Afterall, she will be the one caring for him.  At the very least, she should receive the equivalent of what her salary would have been had she continued to be employed as his caretaker rather than his wife.

You can suggest but you cannot require your father and his nurse execute a pre-nuptial agreement.  They are, after all, adults.  You and your sister should sit with them and have a frank conversation with them regardless of how uncomfortable it will be.

Another thing to consider – how bad is your father’s dementia?  Is he competent to make the decision to marry?  You should call his physician and express your concerns that he is being taken advantage of.  When was the last time he was fully evaluated?  Probably not recently given the number of cancelled medical appointments during the pandemic.  Take him for a full medical evaluation and see what his doctor says.  If the doctor believes he is not competent to consent to marriage, ask what else dad is not competent to do.  Then ask the doctor to sign a medical certificate so you can seek a guardian or conservator for your dad.  By taking that legal step, you or your sister could be put in charge of managing his finances and medical decisions.  

If he suddenly lacks control over his finances, the truth behind this new-found love will be quickly revealed.