Q: I just received a letter from our life insurance carrier that my ex-husband’s policy lapsed. When we got divorced a few years ago we each agreed to maintain insurance until our three children finish college. He has to maintain $1 million because he also makes double what I make and pays child support. None of them have finished college and two are still in high school. I asked him to try to get it reinstated and he said he no longer qualifies because his blood pressure is so high. I think his blood pressure is high because he drinks so much.

I prefer not to take him back to court but I am truly concerned about his lifestyle and whether our kids will be able to go to college if something happens to him. What is the best way to ensure our kids are OK if he drinks himself into an early grave before they finish college?

A: If you want to avoid court, you can look into other security if he has sufficient assets. Does he have retirement? A house? Both? Depending on the value of his assets, you can propose he use a different asset as security. Start with retirement because that is the easiest alternative security given the beneficial designation. Ask him to name you as the beneficiary of his retirement until your children graduate in lieu of replacing the life insurance policy. The problem becomes – does he have a million in retirement?

If not, look at the equity in his house as security. A real estate lawyer can draft a mortgage where he grants you an interest in the equity in his house for so long as he has an obligation to maintain security for support. Make sure you record the mortgage so the world has notice of your interest and he cannot deplete the equity by getting another mortgage which trumps your interest. Then, when your youngest graduates, you can discharge the mortgage and free up his equity.

These options would require the two of you to prepare a modification agreement which you will file with the probate and family court to memorialize the change you have made. This would prevent you from filing a complaint for contempt about his lack of life insurance and give you rights of enforcement with regard to his retirement / equity.

If he refuses to agree, you should file a complaint for contempt. He might say he cannot be found in contempt because the life insurance company will not reinstate his policy. The problem is by letting the policy lapse, he violated the court order so he is in contempt. So, he should be ordered to pay your legal fees and ordered to provide alternative security. If the judge orders the mortgage alternative, be sure to ask that he be ordered to pay the real estate lawyer’s fees too.

Email questions to whickey@brickjones.com.

Q: My husband recently retired at the age of 60. He has no 401(k), no pension or other savings to speak of. He will get Social Security, although only minimal since he’s taking early retirement. We’re divorcing, we own a home with no mortgage and the kids are grown and gone. I still work and earn a good salary. After splitting the house, I thought we’d be done but he wants me to pay alimony.

Can I be forced to pay him alimony when it was his choice to retire with nothing put away? He also wants half of my two pensions when I retire in the next 10 years. Do you think this is something we need an attorney for or is arbitration the way to go?

A: While you can certainly opt into binding arbitration, which is essentially like hiring a private judge to hear your case and make a decision, generally people who arbitrate hire lawyers to represent them during the process. Oftentimes people mix up arbitration and mediation. You can certainly try mediation in the first instance, which people often do without attorneys. If you go that route, you need to find a reputable family law attorney who also does mediation given the issues at stake. Mediators are neutral but can tell you generally how things are typically resolved.

I have good news and bad news for you. Starting with the good news, unless you made significantly more than your husband during the marriage, you probably won’t have to pay him alimony. He was capable of continuing to earn a living but chose not to at an age that is well before the normal retirement age as defined by Social Security. He cannot lay his bad decisions at your doorstep. A judge or even an arbitrator can attribute income to him at the level he was earning before retirement. So, for example, if he made $80,000 and you made $100,000, you could be ordered to pay alimony on the difference in your respective incomes provided he can prove a need, until you reach normal retirement age. In this example, he could get up to 27% of $20,000 per year. But, if he is able to live on his $80,000, he would not get alimony. This is something that he could learn in mediation, but would surely be told to him by a family law attorney if he consults one.

The bad news is he is entitled to half of your pensions when you retire. The pensions will be divided now by a Qualified Domestic Relations Order, which will essentially instruct the administrator of your retirement plan to set aside his portion and pay it out to him when you retire. The good news is if you plan to keep working another 10 years, he will not get any portion of what you pay in or accumulate post-divorce. So, find a way to get to yes sooner rather than later — your contribution clock is ticking.

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Divorce can be difficult for a couple, but challenges also arise when children are in the mix. Most municipalities consider the best interests of the child when it comes to mapping out custody agreements or other decisions, but couples can get the ball rolling by considering the children in each and every decision being made. This can ensure the divorce process — however difficult — leads to more positive outcomes.

Willingness to support each other. Adults get divorced for various reasons, notably because they no longer feel comfortable nor willing to stay together in the household. No matter what you feel about a soon-to-be or former spouse, it’s important to be cooperative with one another and work together to support relationships with the children. The more cooperative everyone is, the more supported and happy a child may feel.

Develop a common message. Do not use the divorce as a way to disparage the other person or shift blame, which can make co-parenting harder in the future. Get together to develop a common message on why you’re getting divorced and how you plan to be civil in the future when birthdays, marriages, sports practices and anything else comes up.

Let children have a say. Children who are old enough to have a voice should be invited to do so. A judge may even speak with a child around age 12 or older to find out his or her preferences about custody and visitation, according to Divorce.net. Children may naturally gravitate toward one parent, and when the marriage has ended, he or she may want to live with or spend more time with a particular parent. All considerations should be made to help children feel comfortable, even if it forces parents to make additional concessions.

Consider a child specialist. Children may appreciate the opportunity to speak with a family or child therapist who can lend an unbiased ear. In addition, a professional can review how you plan to interact and speak with the children so that the tone and the messages will be more well-received.

Expect and answer questions. Divorce is fluid, and even after the separation occurs children may still have questions or there will be an adjustment period. Being open, willing to talk and answer questions, and reinforcing that the divorce is not the fault of the child or children is important, indicates Yeatts Law Firm. Divorce is seldom easy, but when children are prioritized, they can walk away from the experience in a much more positive way.

Q. My husband got laid off during the pandemic and still hasn’t gone back to work. Unemployment ended long ago and I’ve been supporting the family on my income, supplementing expenses with credit cards. My lawyer said I can prove my husband has an earning capacity but that I need to hire an expert to convince the judge to attribute income to him. I can’t believe I need to spend money on hiring someone to prove that my husband can work. Why can’t the judge just say he can earn what he did before the pandemic? Do I have any other options?

A. Your lawyer is not wrong if there is a trial on the horizon. The judge needs information on which to base his/her decision. If the only information you have comes from tax returns, for example, showing what your husband used to earn, he might take the stand and make up all kinds of stories about why he cannot go back to work in that capacity and he might convince the judge. Hiring an expert gives the judge information that cannot be gleaned from the testimony of you or your husband. It is independent information that, in many circumstances, is deemed more reliable than testimony of the parties who have a proverbial horse in the race.

There are two kinds of experts for this situation. A vocational expert will report to the judge on all kinds of labor bureau statistics in the field in which your husband previously worked or in any other related fields where he is qualified to work. This expert will generally write up a report and testify at trial at a cost of several thousand dollars. And, while a judge can attribute an income based on this type of information, the problem is this expert will not have found actual potential employers for your husband whom he could submit his resume to and try to become employed by. Often times this leaves a judge skeptical.

The other type of expert is a head hunter in the field in which your husband formerly worked. There are placement firms that specialize in certain industries. Find one that regularly places people in the field where your husband has experience. They will know who is hiring and, based on your husband’s resume, where they could likely get him an interview. If you have someone who can get on the stand and tell the judge they have a certain number of employers who would interview him and testify to a salary range based on his qualifications, that is more tangible information for the judge to get behind. Further, in my experience, this expert will not write a report thus significantly reducing the cost.

Of course, if you do not yet have a trial on the horizon, your best bet is a motion to order him to get a job. You don’t have to pay an expert if he has a job.

Q. My husband and I drifted apart over the years and now that our two kids are in college it makes no sense to stay together. We decided to mediate instead of spending a ton of money on legal fees since we don’t have a ton of assets. We sold our home, divided the proceeds and each rented apartments, although mine is larger because when the kids are home from school, they stay with me.

I stayed home initially to raise our children but once they were in school, I went back to work. Over the years I worked two jobs to make ends meet. My husband always worked as a plumber. I took courses over the years and was able to climb the corporate ladder at my day job. I also picked up additional shifts at night and over the weekends at a restaurant. I saved all I could and have been able to pay for the kids’ college expenses. I continue to work two jobs so I can pay for their college but once they are done, I fully intend to stop waitressing.

I was hoping to receive child support since the kids stay with me when they are not in college, and I have to have the larger apartment. Recently I got a raise in my day job that is enough to allow me to pay for college and quit my second job. But now my ex wants alimony and insists I have to keep two jobs.

The mediator is just letting him change the narrative over and over, and I’m getting frustrated. How can I make some progress, and will I have to keep working two jobs to pay him alimony?

A. Sounds like it’s time for an ultimatum. The best way to prove you never intended to work two jobs long term is to quit the second job now. Since your day job is now bringing in the same as your two jobs combined used to, there is no reason to keep it — sure extra cash is nice but his threat to seek alimony is not.

Second, you do not have a sole obligation to fund college expenses for your kids. Tell him it’s time for him to start contributing at least half the cost of UMass Amherst even if that means he now has to work some overtime.

Finally, the mediation process should not drag on beyond its useful life. If you cannot reach a final agreement soon — like in the next session, end it. You have no obligation to mediate forever. Go into the next session armed with a plan (see my suggestions above). Also consider consulting an attorney beforehand so you have someone in your corner to fall back on if your line drawn in the sand does not result in a fair resolution. Be prepared to file a complaint for divorce quickly if the next session is fruitless — sometimes getting served is the best reality check you can give a person.

Q. My husband has been very controlling and threatening. He followed me around the house, had cameras monitoring my every move, refused to allow me to have my family or friends come over — he insisted he was being careful with COVID. He had been trying to isolate me for a long time. He also became obsessed with true crime novels and collecting knives.

I was terrified by his escalating behavior. I finally had a friend help me escape the house when he was leading a work team Zoom meeting. I hid in a hotel using cash and got an emergency restraining order. At the return hearing, the judge believed him that I was crazy and he would never do anything to hurt me. I remained terrified but ran out of cash and had nowhere to go so I went home.

I filed for divorce. When I was in the hotel, he reported the one credit card that I had access to as stolen and I don’t have access to our bank accounts so I can’t leave again. He has been building a case to show I am crazy and has told me that I will get nothing because he had money before he married me which we used to buy the house. I make more money so he makes me pay all our expenses for the house until we are even. He keeps score. He says I will have to pay alimony and he will get to keep the house because of his deposit. I am so scared but my lawyer told me do not call the police because the judge didn’t believe me so if I do call, the judge will just think I am playing games.

What are my options?

A. First you need to hire a different lawyer. Keep your cell phone charged at all times and carry it with you in your pocket. If you are truly afraid for your safety, lock yourself in the bathroom and call the police. The judge isn’t going to give him all of the assets or make you pay alimony because you sought help from the police.

Second, file a motion to sell the house so you have money for your own place to live. While you are at it, ask the judge for an advance against the marital estate out of other assets so that you can come up with first, last and security deposit for a rental. Open a new bank account and have your income deposited there. If you can afford it, deposit enough to pay half the household expenses into the household account — he can pay the other half of the expenses. If he chooses not to pay the mortgage — his loss — pay your half and it will take a long time for the mortgage company to foreclose and if it gets to that, ask the judge to give you credit for your payments when the equity is eventually divided. Finally, alimony to him sounds unlikely.

Q. My husband and I got divorced a year ago in the middle of the pandemic lockdown. He convinced me to agree to a 50/50 parenting plan even though historically he traveled significantly for work. He argued that his travel had stopped for the foreseeable future and so he should have equal time with our girls. I didn’t have the fight in me at the time, so I agreed. I always thought he fought the issue to lower the amount of child support he had to pay.

Anyway, in early December, things started to change. His company resumed travel and he started asking me to cover his time. His travel has steadily increased, and he is now back to similar levels to what he did before COVID-19. He now spends about half of each week traveling out of state and has an international trip of 10 days coming up. He just expects I will take up all the slack when he is gone. The problem is, I went back to working full time. I was unable to make ends meet on the child support and no longer needed to be home early every day. I arranged to work longer days on his days and am now paying for child care while he is traveling.

What can I do about this? I don’t want to give up the time with our kids. I worry if I complain he will just hire a nanny or something to cover his days.

A. You have two options. If you want to avoid a fight, you can start by asking him to cover your child-care expenses when you have to hire someone to care for your kids on his time. Explain your hours and your willingness to cover for him when he travels but your child support isn’t enough to hire sitters on his time. Remind him that having you is preferable to his having to hire a nanny because at least with you he is not paying for overnight care when he is traveling. If he is smart, he will take you up on this request.

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If he rejects your request, it is time to roll up your sleeves and file to modify your parenting plan and child support. His resuming his prior travel schedule and relying on you to be the free childcare provider is a material change in circumstances. Be sure to convey your welcome return to the prior status quo as the primary parent. Once you serve the complaint for modification, file a motion for temporary orders changing the parenting plan and child support. Attach a calendar of the last three months of travel to show the actual percentage of parenting time you each have. Ask the court to adjust the parent plan to reflect reality. To the extent you can be flexible — do it — your children will still benefit from significant time with dad and your willingness to accommodate should serve your cause well.

Q. My soon-to-be ex and I earn the same amount of money. I have always been responsible for scheduling all our kids’ sports, lessons and doctor appointments. I have been the one setting funds aside for college. We had a pre-trial conference recently and the judge told us that since we have the same incomes and will have equal custody, I won’t get child support. I don’t understand how I can pay for all these things if I don’t get child support. I even pay for our family health insurance.

Am I agreeing to the wrong thing here? He wants to share custody but now I am questioning whether it is just to avoid paying his fair share. He is a spender, and I am a saver. Now he is going to get half of everything I saved during the marriage — he even wants half of the kids’ college savings. I don’t know how I will make ends meet.

A. It sounds like you are not using an attorney or a mediator. I suggest you find one or both to ensure your agreement is fair and reasonable. Right now, it sounds like your discussions are neither fair nor reasonable.

Plenty of couples share custody of their kids equally and earn similar sums so no child support is paid. This is where you absolutely need to get creative on sharing expenses. Just because you have always been responsible for scheduling/signing them up for things doesn’t mean you have to bear the financial burden. Agree on which expenses will be shared. The costs of historical sports, lessons and activities should be shared equally, including registration, uniforms, equipment, etc. (But for the record, a pony is not necessary equipment to taking riding lessons.)

Common additional expenses to share include cellular phone plans for the kids, driver’s education, tutoring, after school care (if necessary), summer camps, automobile insurance, and some people even agree to share major clothing purchases like new winter boots and coats.

In addition to these expenses, all uninsured medical expenses should be shared. You should also share the out-of-pocket costs to you for providing family health insurance. Figure out the cost difference between an individual plan and your family plan and agree that he will transfer half the cost to you on a monthly basis.

As for the manner for sharing these expenses, some people establish an account and equally contribute to it and use it to fund agreed upon child expenses, others have a monthly or quarterly true up, others maintain a joint credit card, charge all child-related expenses and equally share in the monthly bills (probably not the safest option).

Finally, given your concerns of his spending money, you should continue to serve as the sole custodian of the children’s college accounts. These are not assets to be divided. Provide him annual statements and you should ask him to agree on a set amount that you will each continue to contribute to these accounts.